Three times this week I had occasion to talk about something that has been on my mind. It's not been the best of times for me lately in a personal sense. Lots of things have challenged me, family health issues, job stress and a few other things have weighed on me heavily.
I was on the phone with my friend Sara and she heard something in my voice that made her ask what was wrong. She was the first to hear what's on my mind. I told her...The first fifty years of my life were consumed by either my parents, my husband or my children...and I would like whatever years I have left to be...mine. We laughed and joked about what I said and that was it. She didn't grasp that I was serious. Then in an email exchange with a friend I said virtually the same thing. This time I got a whole hearted agreement from a woman who both knows me and understands me. Late this morning I told my daughter about both conversations and reiterated my thoughts on my years left. She responded with her usual...Oh Mother.
Oh Mother is the verbal equivalent to an eye roll. She's twenty four and I will excuse her innocence and naivete. She does not know what it's like to look back and see the bulk of one's life behind them and already spent. See the bulk of one's life devoted to family and obligation. She does not know the desire one can have inside to be free of obligation, be relieved of duty. She does not know what it's like to wish to not have to answer to anyone, not have to make sure all is right and where it belongs at all times. She does not know what it is to feel caged and kept. She simply does not know. I dearly hope she never does.
I say these things without regret and without qualms about how I spent my time. I am not wishing to turn back time, time that made me the woman I am. I am simply musing of what time is left on the books. What time is ahead for me to enjoy and I would dearly like to be able to say....this is my time.
My time.
Indeed.
I was on the phone with my friend Sara and she heard something in my voice that made her ask what was wrong. She was the first to hear what's on my mind. I told her...The first fifty years of my life were consumed by either my parents, my husband or my children...and I would like whatever years I have left to be...mine. We laughed and joked about what I said and that was it. She didn't grasp that I was serious. Then in an email exchange with a friend I said virtually the same thing. This time I got a whole hearted agreement from a woman who both knows me and understands me. Late this morning I told my daughter about both conversations and reiterated my thoughts on my years left. She responded with her usual...Oh Mother.
Oh Mother is the verbal equivalent to an eye roll. She's twenty four and I will excuse her innocence and naivete. She does not know what it's like to look back and see the bulk of one's life behind them and already spent. See the bulk of one's life devoted to family and obligation. She does not know the desire one can have inside to be free of obligation, be relieved of duty. She does not know what it's like to wish to not have to answer to anyone, not have to make sure all is right and where it belongs at all times. She does not know what it is to feel caged and kept. She simply does not know. I dearly hope she never does.
I say these things without regret and without qualms about how I spent my time. I am not wishing to turn back time, time that made me the woman I am. I am simply musing of what time is left on the books. What time is ahead for me to enjoy and I would dearly like to be able to say....this is my time.
My time.
Indeed.
5 comments:
Granted my years are only 30...but I can respect these thoughts and feelings. It's with a sort of heavy heart that I'm sitting here nodding my head as I read...
At 40 I feel some of these things too.
It's not that I don't want kids, or a wife. It's just when you put in your 40+ hours at work, 12hours commuting, getting kids ready for school, putting kids to bed, clearing everyones dishes from the meal you missed because you were still in the office, tidying the house at weekends, you are only fit for maybe watching a movie as your whole weeks R&R.
I don't know where the time goes, but most of it goes on obligations, and precious little on fun.
True and Wise words, I am only 32 and feel the same way. I have many years still ahead of me before I can claim my years as 'mine'
After 50 years i did something for me. Its a taste of freedom, a little reminder of my younger years when days would be spent on the motorcycle. it doesnt remove the daily grind of life. But it does offer me a escape. Even if it just for a few hours. There is a saying Bikers say all the time.
Ride to live. Live to Ride.. :O)
I like this little saying..
Hugs
I don't have the motorcycle. What I used to have was the Pennines, and the hills of Clwyd. Now I have a couple of oversubsribed regional parks in the Bay Area, and an internal feeling of guilt if I stay out too long. It's refreshing to be out, but I just can't let go of other peoples needs and so I start to feel guilty and the last half hour out I lose the benefits of the first half hour of freedom.
I've got to fix that...
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