I had occasion recently to direct my husband toward something I wanted. We found ourselves at a jumping off point and he was hesitant and in my desire to have him move forward I simply said, "Go For It".
He didn't.
I've not had to push him like that in our life together. In fact our dynamic was such that he would be the one pushing and pulling me along as I was the one who hesitated and was unsure. Not this guy....he always went balls out, hair on fire and fast. It wasn't always a good thing, but it was "us".
I was happy to go along. Happy to be pushed a little. It helped me grow. It was exciting sometimes, scary and often delightful. I needed it.
Now, after all of these years, it's me pushing and pulling but he's not moving. It's me leading him as he hesitates at most everything and mostly stays right where he is. I'm struck by the shift in our dynamic, the reversal of our roles that we seemed so comfortable in. Perhaps comfort need not remain but continuity should. I can't help but see this role reversal as another way he's stopped growing, stopped moving forward. The only growth happening in our lives is mine.
So I stand at my own jumping off point, wanting to keep moving, wanting to push ahead and wanting to grow. Wanting to Go For It. I jump...but I don't know what comes next, don't know where I'll end up. It's not that I'm afraid. I just I hope it doesn't hurt like hell when I land.
Indeed.
