Getting Out of Your Own Way

Get out of your own way.

If I had a dollar for every time someone has said that to me I'd have a stash of cash worthy of any smart mobster's wife. I digress.

I think the reason certain individuals have had occasion to tell me to get out of my own way is because they seem to think that I am standing in the way of my own success, standing in the way of my own happiness. That I am holding myself back from achieveing the things I want in life. That couldn't be further from the reality that is my life. Couldn't be further from the truth.

One does not necessarily need to run at full throttle toward what it is they want. Sometimes good sense and wisdom cautions a slow step, an almost snail's pace, in order to temper reason and validate the direction one's path might travel. Sometimes standing stock still, directly in ones own path, assures a mistake-proof journey at the end of the day, assures that the path will continue. When one stands still the chance for missteps, the chance to fall off of cliffs, the chance to be derailed decreases exponentially. At least I think so.

Then again...there is something to be said for getting out of your own way. Sometimes you aren't the only person you are holding back. Sometimes there is someone standing with you, someone by your side, someone who walks the journey with you. Sometimes the kindest thing a person can do is get out of their own way and let the other keep going, let the other pass by. Let the other reach their own happiness and contentment.

Sometimes the greatest act of love is a simple sidestep that allows another a clear path, a smooth journey of their very own.

Getting out of the way either clears the path for them to move on, or gives them room to turn back and say, "come with me".

Sometimes you just have to get out of the way.
Indeed

Puddle of Love

A Puddle of Love. I was immersed in a Great, Big Fat Puddle of Love this weekend.

My daughter and her fiance hosted an engagement party at their home this weekend. It was a semi casual event with approximately 85 guests in attendance. The party was held outdoors under a tent with tables elegantly decorated in whites and silvers and purples, tall white pillar candles, and white rose petals scattered about. White twinkly lights sparkling here and there on a crisp night made it all the more magical.

The reason I was in that Puddle of Love was because love was everywhere I looked. We came together to celebrate this next step in the lives of this couple...so dear to us on many levels. My daughter's housemates from college, all five, drove from New Jersey to be with her. Each one took a moment to talk to me and express joy at her choice of husband as well as relief that she didn't marry the boy we were afraid she would have. They love her so they were worried then, they love her so they were here this weekend.

The Puddle was there from watching my Dad, just out of the hospital. He was enjoying spending time with his family and especially his sister who drove up from Virginia because she loves her brother... and she loves us all as well.

Watching my Dad sneak into the house to watch Notre Dame football on TV with my sons who love him so much...more love puddling between them. Setting out the food, most of it catered, but with special dishes that my daughter's girlfriend cooked for her because she loves her. Puddles.

Sitting outside watching some of the neighbor's children join the party made more puddles. They love her and call to her when she's outside so she was gracious and invited them to come over. Most people who meet my daughter love her, she's just a sweet soul and you love being near her. Watching my future son in law glance at her with an unmistakable look of love when they opened their gifts. That Puddle grew.

The biggest Puddle came at the end of the evening. My husband was marveling at the size of the party and the amazing job our daughter did to bring it all together. We were talking quietly, discussing how the event went. He leaned close and said, "she's just like you...look at her". He put his hand on my back and squeezed my shoulder. That Puddle of Love grew deeper from the happy tears that started to flow.

Puddle of Love

Indeed

Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep...

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep.
If I should die before I wake
I pray the Lord my soul will take.

Matthew, Mark, Luke and John
Bless this bed I lay upon.

Mother Mary, full of grace, watch me as I sleep.
Amen

This was the prayer I recited each and every night from the time I was about four years old until I was a grown woman. My three children recited the same prayer as I had taught them.

I can recall lying in bed, tucked into the soft cocoon of blankets, with only a strip of light visible from the tiny crack my mother would leave my door ajar. She kept a night light on in the upstairs hall and it projected a soft and low glow in the room. I liked being able to see the statue of the Blessed Mother I kept on my nightstand. It made me feel safe knowing she was right there. Especially since I asked her each night to watch over me.

As I grew older my prayers evolved. I never wasted a good prayer on frivolity. We're Irish and if nothing else we're practical about such things. One can dream about a great many things but I never could bring myself to ask God for something so frivolous as the red crushed velvet coat in the window at the Boston Store. Nor did I ask to pass tests, get picked for cheerleaders, or other good fortunes. I figured God would not award selfishness so I kept it simple. My prayers, practical as they were, revolved around my family life. I was manic that we would all be safe and sound and far from harm.

Growing up in the sixties even the most vigilant parents could not keep dreadful news from tender ears. Our country's leaders were assassinated, three Mercury astronauts perished in a fire on the launch pad at Cape Canaveral, a war in Vietnam was raging and young men from my town were killed. I had a lot of worry swirling around me so I prayed that no one in my family would be shot, die in a fire or be sent to war. I thought that covered it.

Then in the fifth grade my grandfather passed away and I prayed that my family would all live a long long time....longer than me because I didn't want to lose anyone else. In the sixth grade a girl in another Catholic school was followed by a man and killed on her way home from school. I started to ask God to keep me safe. My prayers were getting even longer.

In the 9th grade a boy in my high school was killed in an auto accident so I prayed no one I cared about would be in a car crash. In 10th a boy I had a crush on died from Hodgkin's Disease and I prayed no one in my life would get cancer. That same year my best friend's mother went to sleep one night, shortly after Christmas, and never woke up again. She had an aneurysm. Around this time I was praying for my friends now along with everyone else. That prayer grew and grew and grew. So many things worried me and I prayed about them all.

Much later, when I married, I prayed for my husband. I prayed that he would be safe, prayed that he would always love me and I prayed that I would pass away before he did because it was unimaginable that I would be without him. I prayed incessantly when my children arrived, sometimes to the exclusion of all else. I prayed, and I prayed..."Don't let anything bad happen to us".....

In that bed, in the dark, I said my prayers each night, faithfully. "Don't let anything bad happen to us". I never missed.

I still don't miss but my prayers have changed. I have learned to stop praying for things not to happen. They happen anyway. They happen no matter how much we pray. God doesn't give you a pass because you call dibs on safety. No one, no matter how hard they pray, is exempt from the reality and heartache of life. What I have learned to do, what I have learned to pray for... is help. I lay in the dark and pray for help. Help me get through this.

Help me get through this covers just about anything that can be thrown at me. Help me get through this allows me to accept what happens and not be frightened. Help me get through this doesn't make me feel overwhelmed at what I need to get through. Help me get through this makes me believe that I can...get through it. Help me get through this leaves me with a feeling that, when it is all said and done, I will still be standing.

Help me get through this.
Indeed
Amen.

Underneath The Stadium Lights

Friday night was my youngest son's first varsity high school football game. It was an away game and on the 30 minute drive to the opposing team's stadium, my husband and I shared some thoughts. This is a new journey for us with our last child. A journey we both had hoped would be possible. A journey we will enjoy as much as possible.

My husband was an athlete, a gifted one. I say was only because both of his knees and one shoulder are shot from his own athletic pursuits. His time has passed, painfully. He is proud of our son and understands better than I do what it's like to play on a football team. He understands better than most people actually.

As we sat in the stands I could see my husband's mind had gone off to a place I know nothing about....and mine went to my own personal and private one. The lights in the stadium were turned on, blazing and blinding, up over a grey and pinkish sky about to fade to black. It was a gorgeous late summer evening, warm and clear. I sat there thinking about other football stadiums I had sat in over the years when my thoughts were interrupted. The teams were ready to take the field. We stood, the national anthem sung and we settled in to wait for kickoff.

That's when it hit me. The band began a cadence to punctuate the kickoff. I sat there frozen in time...it was the same cadence I can remember from 1975, my senior year in high school. I shut my eyes and I was there, sitting in the stands, with my friends on another warm September Friday night. Waiting for the whistle to blow, waiting for the game to begin. With my eyes shut I hear the cheerleaders, I hear the band and I hear the excitement in the crowd. I was right back there in an instant.

I opened my eyes and came back to the present and saw my son was lined up, waiting for the whistle. I wonder if he could hear the crowd or did his pounding heart drown out the noise. I wonder how it feels for him, under those lights, in place waiting for this chapter in his life to begin. I wonder if he knows how lucky he is, if he knows how quickly this chapter will pass. I wonder if he knows how special this will all be someday.

I wonder if he knows that his father's big hands are balled up tight and his jaw is clenched. I wonder if he knows that every muscle in his father's body is clenched and tight waiting for that first contact. I wonder if he knows he's not alone out there on that field. I wonder if he knows that his father is right there beside him.

I wonder if he knows just how much his father loves him, how much he worries about him. I wonder if he knows how proud his father is at this moment and how overwhelmed he is with emotion. It isn't the lights in the stadium that has his dark brown eyes glittering. No it is not.

If my husband were to glance in my direction he would see that my eyes are glittering right along with his.

Right along with them.
Indeed.