I celebrated a birthday this week...a big one. A milestone. One I had mixed feelings about.
While no one would ever say that I am not vain, vanity had nothing to do with my mixed feelings. Aging has not really bothered me, not in a visual sense. I'm curvier than I once was, yes, and not quite as svelte. I have the same angst most women do at my age but I am without the telltale wrinkles and crinkles that land on most faces. I really don't look my age.
I have been mulling this milestone quietly and introspectively for some time now. As the day drew near my precious husband would stop and exclaim, "I can't believe I'll be married to a 50 year old". He's younger than I am by nearly two years, his turn will come. Last weekend he regaled me with the tale of a dream he had had. As he told it....he dreamed of me standing in our kitchen. He said, "you were young and you had your long hair. You were so pretty and you looked so thin....like when you were twenty. You had on a nightie and looked so sexy, you looked so good to me". As if that wasn't enough he said, "what happened to you?". Bless his heart.....he's lucky I didn't injure him.
I'll admit his words upset me. One glance in a mirror confirms my own satisfaction with my appearance. Still I was perplexed. You see in his wondering what had happened to me....I wondered why he didn't know the answer to that question. That's what bothered me.
What has happened to me is that I have grown. Simply put but accurate...I have grown. I am all kinds of wiser than I was back then, when I was twenty like in his dream. I'm smarter and I am eons more worldly. I have the maturity of one who has been there, the good sense of one who has done that. I know so much more about people and their nature. I know so much more about my own nature.
I have never stopped growing. Never stopping learning about myself. I am so beautifully familiar with my mood and temperament. I'm never confused by what I might be feeling. How could I be? I know myself better than anyone. I have learned to let go of things that are useless and a drag on my optimism. I have learned to excise people who seek to hold me back, malign my growth. I have opened my mind to a world of possibility....not the least of which are my own desires and wishes.
My body does not cause me grief now. Despite it being far less aesthetically pleasing than when I was twenty, I love the look of it now. I'm familiar with each nook and cranny, have fine tuned each sensual response and forgiven it of any perceived shortcomings I had initially thought were there. I am comfortable in my own skin. Confident and uninhibited. I love how I turned out so far.
What has happened to me is that I have developed into the woman I had always wanted to become, the one I worked hard to become. It is in this place, this place that I am so comfortable, this place in life that I am at, that I see what has happened to me. I see what I have become....but I'm not done yet. Not nearly.
My daughter had decorated the house with the appropriate party decorations. She had chosen a theme that made me smile. The decorations were tagged "The Party Continues". How perfect, how perfectly the thought dovetails with where I am right now in life. For all of my growth, for all of my desire to learn more ....the party continues...and my growth will continue. As I navigate this wonderful path, this road that I travel, I will continue to seek out those things left for me to know, left for me to learn. As I continue on in my life, I cannot wait to see what else I discover along the way.
The party continues
Indeed.
While no one would ever say that I am not vain, vanity had nothing to do with my mixed feelings. Aging has not really bothered me, not in a visual sense. I'm curvier than I once was, yes, and not quite as svelte. I have the same angst most women do at my age but I am without the telltale wrinkles and crinkles that land on most faces. I really don't look my age.
I have been mulling this milestone quietly and introspectively for some time now. As the day drew near my precious husband would stop and exclaim, "I can't believe I'll be married to a 50 year old". He's younger than I am by nearly two years, his turn will come. Last weekend he regaled me with the tale of a dream he had had. As he told it....he dreamed of me standing in our kitchen. He said, "you were young and you had your long hair. You were so pretty and you looked so thin....like when you were twenty. You had on a nightie and looked so sexy, you looked so good to me". As if that wasn't enough he said, "what happened to you?". Bless his heart.....he's lucky I didn't injure him.
I'll admit his words upset me. One glance in a mirror confirms my own satisfaction with my appearance. Still I was perplexed. You see in his wondering what had happened to me....I wondered why he didn't know the answer to that question. That's what bothered me.
What has happened to me is that I have grown. Simply put but accurate...I have grown. I am all kinds of wiser than I was back then, when I was twenty like in his dream. I'm smarter and I am eons more worldly. I have the maturity of one who has been there, the good sense of one who has done that. I know so much more about people and their nature. I know so much more about my own nature.
I have never stopped growing. Never stopping learning about myself. I am so beautifully familiar with my mood and temperament. I'm never confused by what I might be feeling. How could I be? I know myself better than anyone. I have learned to let go of things that are useless and a drag on my optimism. I have learned to excise people who seek to hold me back, malign my growth. I have opened my mind to a world of possibility....not the least of which are my own desires and wishes.
My body does not cause me grief now. Despite it being far less aesthetically pleasing than when I was twenty, I love the look of it now. I'm familiar with each nook and cranny, have fine tuned each sensual response and forgiven it of any perceived shortcomings I had initially thought were there. I am comfortable in my own skin. Confident and uninhibited. I love how I turned out so far.
What has happened to me is that I have developed into the woman I had always wanted to become, the one I worked hard to become. It is in this place, this place that I am so comfortable, this place in life that I am at, that I see what has happened to me. I see what I have become....but I'm not done yet. Not nearly.
My daughter had decorated the house with the appropriate party decorations. She had chosen a theme that made me smile. The decorations were tagged "The Party Continues". How perfect, how perfectly the thought dovetails with where I am right now in life. For all of my growth, for all of my desire to learn more ....the party continues...and my growth will continue. As I navigate this wonderful path, this road that I travel, I will continue to seek out those things left for me to know, left for me to learn. As I continue on in my life, I cannot wait to see what else I discover along the way.
The party continues
Indeed.
3 comments:
What does he mean what has happened to you...YOU MY LADY ARE PERFECT!!! I am surprised there is not going to be a funeral and then let the party continue...
PARTY ON my dear friend
I think you have reached self-actualization. Good job, now your dh....he needs to learn this.
Grow old along with me
The best is yet to be
Apparently by John Lennon.
Wasn't your DH along for the ride? Didn't he notice how you both changed over the years?
You could always remind him that he happened to you ;-)
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