The Final Accounting

The time between Christmas and New Years is always a time of reflection for me. It's a period of time when l turn especially introspective. I like to look over what I've done and where I've been. For me, the final accounting is before me. Time to add things up.

This year my thoughts were centered on changes, changes in my life. Changes that I made by myself, changes I made with help and those more challenging changes that came about in and of themselves. It's one thing when we set out to accomplish something, with intent and purpose and quite another when the change is dropped in our lap, unceremoniously and unexpectedly. A change we have no control over.

So it is that change I am thinking of now, that unexpected, unwanted and unavoidable part of life we cannot help but wonder about. Wonder if a different course of action would have made a difference, would have produced a different outcome. I think about what responses of mine were good ones, the right ones. I think about the accidental responses, the ones I didn't give any thought to, the ones if I had thought about what would they have produced. Where would I be then, where would I be going now?

It doesn't matter, really. The exercise in "what if" is an exercise in futility. It's a game to play, one that doesn't matter in the least. It's interesting to ponder but for all of my wondering what is...is.

What matters is what I've done and where I am right now. What matters, in my final accounting, is how do I feel about this year's journey, how do I feel about the changes I made? My responses to changes that were made for me? Am I satisfied with myself? Am I willing to move on from what has disappointed me, move forward with what has delighted me? Am I able to add it all up, look at it clearly and objectively and be happy with the end result?

You better believe it.

Indeed.

You live a life worth living... and you love with all your heart.

My daughter is at the jumping off point, the brink of permanence, in a relationship with a wonderful young man. I couldn't be happier for her.

I look at her and see what lies before her, if she is willing to reach for it. I see what lies before her if she allows herself to be reached for. What I see is her life, the way a life ought to be. The way a life ought to be lived.

You have to know how special I think the connection between a man and woman is, the connection between a man and woman in love. We are meant to be part of a pair, a couple. We are meant to have partners. We are meant to, along with another person, live life in such a way that we discover every last thing about ourselves in the process...but can only do so with that other person as part of our journey. Not just any person, but the one you are meant for, the one who matches you. The one who was literally made for you. The one you love and the one who loves you.

A person can know themselves inside and out, know their own feelings right down to the last letter. Still, there is always a part of us, a part left undiscovered, until which time we meet the person who was meant to help find it, help us uncover those things we never could have found by ourselves.

So it is my wish, my desire, for my daughter to have this partner in her life. Have this person who is not there to complete her or change her. She's a fabulously complete young woman in her own right. My wish is that she have the partner who will add to her life, add his voice to hers in order to make a new song between them. Have that partner to help her uncover all that is inside her. Make a new life blending all they have as individuals, taking all they are made of, and all that they find in each other, and together making a life.

You see ... you live a life worth living....and you love with all your heart. There is no other way to live, truly live. No other way to love.

Indeed.

Bearing Gifts

I went Christmas shopping Friday evening in a local Department Store in the downtown area of my community. It's a wonderful store, timeless and traditional. The sales staff are older than those in most stores and they know the merchandise. The store has six floors of shopping, escalators and even a restaurant complete with a lunch counter. It's a dream, a throwback, a wondrous place and, to me, it does not feel like Christmas until I have gone there shopping.

After making a few purchases I stopped by the fine jewelry counter. While waiting for the salesperson to show me something from the case, a man standing next to me seemed restless, almost fidgety. He was my age, or perhaps a bit older, and appeared to be dressed in his work clothes. He wasn't dirty or disheveled but he must have stopped in right after working. I smiled at him and went back to waiting for a clerk. About a minute later he came closer to me and wanted to know if he could ask my opinion on something. My opinion is something I give often, without having been asked, so naturally I was willing to oblige! He had made his choice but wanted to know what I thought. He had chosen an exquisite Venetian glass shaped heart with 24k gold swirled inside. It was a beautiful piece, any woman would appreciate such a gift.

Apparently he had only been dating the woman he wanted to give this gift to for a short time. He didn't want to appear too pushy but he had feelings for her. He said he intended to tuck a little note inside the box before he gave it to her. The note would say..."You captured my heart". What a lovely gesture and I told him so. He was happy to discover I agreed with his choice of gift....as well as how he wanted to present it.

This woman is lucky. Lucky to have someone put such care into a gift for her. Lucky to have someone want to make sure the gift was special, thoughtful, make sure it was perfect. Later that night I thought about the gifts I have received over the years. Mostly the ones from my husband. When we first met he was a great giver of gifts, thoughtful and imaginative. The element of surprise was a strong theme. Over the years he has given me a wide range of offerings, each and every one appreciated.

Over time the gifts seem to have changed as has his dedication to choosing them. He has a hard time now finding something for me. He'll tell me I am hard to buy for, that I have everything. He'll sometimes want me to tell him what I want, or better yet, go out and pick it up myself. He'll say that this way I'll have what I want. I always decline that one.

It surprises me that, after all of this time, he does not know me well enough to understand that it's not the gift to me ... but the thought behind it. I don't need to be wowed. He doesn't have to "out do" the previous gift. Simply put I just want to be thought of. I don't care what he gives me. The smallest gesture is always the best with me. A tiny offering that says...this made me think of you.

The best gifts, for me, are those that don't cost very much but are priceless. They reflect the heart of the giver. They reflect their intent, their care. They reflect what I mean to them. They mirror the givers feelings for me. The gift, over time, can be taken out, again and again, and the lovely sentiment returns. Each time I would look at it I would know the loving thought behind it and the genuine spirit in which it was given. It's the gift that keeps on giving.

It can't be any simpler.

Indeed

When You're Fast Asleep

A dream is a wish your heart makes...

When you're fast asleep...

In dreams you lose your heartaches...

Whatever you wish for, you keep ...

What a sweet, lovely verse, part of a song written by Mac David, Al Hoffman and Jerry Livingston for the Walt Disney animated classic, Cinderella. Dreams. I like to think about dreams. I like to think about my dreams.

Dreams keep your sanity intact, or at least I think so. Dreaming is something you sometimes do until the crisis passes, until the heartache ends, until the drama subsides. Dreaming is something you do until things are better, until things return to normal. Dreams are a way of fooling yourself, if only for a little while. Without them life could be far too harsh, far too barren of joy and humor, far too serious. Far too much to bear. Dreams are a place to wander until it's safe to return home.

Mostly I like to think of dreams as self fulfilling prophesies. Not in the sense that a fantasy would come to be, but rather the dream of a life as we intended it to be. We all want certain things in life and sometimes they are just beyond our reach. Through no fault of our own sometimes, these things remain elusive, at our fingertips but not within our grasp. Dreaming, having a wish our heart has made, keeps those things right in front of us. We see them in waking moments and perhaps have them in the ones when we are asleep. Dreaming keeps them front and center. Keeps them in our sight and on our minds until that time that whatever you wish for....you keep.

So until those days that my own dreams come, I will keep wishing, keep on believing that ....the dream that I wish will come true.

Indeed.

A dream is a wish your heart makes

When you're fast asleep

In dreams you lose your heartaches

Whatever you wish for, you keep

Have faith in your dreams and someday

Your rainbow will come smiling thru

No matter how your heart is grieving

If you keep on believing

The dream that you wish will come true