The Question of Betrayal

I recently answered a questionnaire about Betrayal. The questions prompted some deep thinking.

How does it make you feel?

A very long time ago my Dad taught me to make sure a person earned my trust and for me to not give my trust to another capriciously. He told me that mostly people don’t have our best interests at heart and can’t be counted on to stand with us in all things. He told me that some people can’t be counted on at their word and that their deed would have to tell the tale. In other words…. they had to walk the walk and not just talk it. But he also told me that when I met the person who would stand with me, who would hold my heart in their hands like the precious gift that it is…the smartest thing I could do would be to give them my trust. Because having that person to count on would help me travel the bumpy road through life.

In my trusting I am opening myself, laying myself vulnerable, allowing access to places most everyone else never gets to see. I have given over myself, the sum of all the parts, for you to have. Having that disregarded tells me you care nothing for what I am as a person, care nothing for who I am in your life and certainly care nothing for the investment I have made in you personally. All that said…. betrayal to me is serious business. If I have given my trust and you have betrayed it…I am done with you. Done. Period. I won’t give you a chance to do it again.

Do you feel differently being betrayed by a lover vs. a friend?

No…. trust is trust…but my reaction would be different with a lover. If a friend betrays me, and although it hurts me, I will move on. I don’t care for drama nor will I indulge in yours. I’m firm, I won’t want to rehash the nonsense because frankly…what is there to talk about. Did you betray me? Yes? Goodbye then.

A lover…a lover not only has my trust but the relationship is more complex than a simple friendship. When you love someone beyond the friendship and beyond the trust....your heart has been given. The loss of trust to me, then, is immeasurable and the pain of the betrayal will stay with me for a very long time. I’ll be mad at myself for being so foolish, foolish for having trusted, but I won’t regret giving over my heart to someone I love. I will be mad that I didn’t see it coming but I won’t be sorry for caring, I won’t be sorry I loved. I will be sorry what I had given wasn't appreciated and valued as it should have been. My exit from the relationship will be quiet and composed but the angst will linger on inside. I will carry it and it will serve as a reminder and will make me think twice the next time. I'll make sure the person is worth it.

Are you more likely to take time to organize your thoughts & feelings, or more likely to confront the issue head on?

I look at betrayal in simple terms so there is no need for me to organize thoughts. It’s pretty black and white for me. Did you lie to me? y/n? Did you repeat something I asked you not to? y/n? Did you make a fool out of me? y/n? Did you use me? y/n? Did you disrespect me? Disrespect the friendship? Disrespect my love? y/n? What’s to organize really? These are my limits...and I doubt anyone in my life doesn’t understand them.

Once the betrayal is revealed I don’t need to confront the issue in any way. I’m done. If the offender hasn’t figured out what happened…and let’s face it we mostly know when we screw up…. then I will happily have that conversation. Otherwise…. just walk on by and keep going. I don't need closure....I had it when you betrayed me.

I realize how harsh this sounds, how cold it seems, but I have a more firm resolve than most when it comes to how I deal with such things. Those who have had a relationship with me in friendship and in love will attest to my warmth and soft nature in a personal sense. I have a big, roomy heart, but I am careful who gets in it. Once inside there is nothing I won't do for you, won't give you, My love, friendship and fealty is true and everlasting.

What types of betrayals are you willing to forgive?

I forgive everything…even the unforgivable. Let me just say that I have endured the "mother of all betrayals" at age 20...and while it took me a long time to forgive…I did. I look at it this way...forgiveness is totally under my control. I get to decide when I forgive and on my own terms. It does me no good to hang on to old hurt, carry around bad feelings, wallow in self pity and regret. It's not only unattractive but this behavior holds a person back from moving forward. It's a roadblock to my life to come. So I let go of it and keep on going.

Forgiveness is a release. We really are held prisoner by old hurt. It stunts our growth and our ability to go forward. It's a heavy load to drag around and I'd just as soon not do it. I also think that in forgiving I acknowledge the care and I acknowledge the love I had for the person and I also acknowledge their inability to be a true friend, be a true love to me. Their loss, to me, is far greater than mine is...for they lost the person in their life that would not ever do to them that which was done to me.

Indeed